Sex on first date: Is it a relationship killer?

So, you meet a guy (or girl) you really fancy on a dating app and after your date you two end up quite close to your home. One thing leads to another and one of you initiates sex. It was good, but you planned to go slow, and now you are fretting thinking if you’ve messed it all up. Also read | Women use dating apps to confirm attractiveness, men for casual sex, finds study
If you have been told – thanks to the countless TV shows, films, magazine articles and self-help books – that sex on a first date is not just shameful but self-destructive and that by giving into the urge, you have also given up any chance at love, here’s what you need to know about first date hook-ups.
Getting intimate on the first date may seem quick for some; however, for others, it feels completely fine. In 2023, sexual wellness brand Lovehoney surveyed over 2,000 adults to find out how many have had sex on the first date. According to their findings, over 70 percent of men are open to sex on the first date, but 61 percent of women are not.
Nearly half of the respondents said that they have had sex on the first date. Men are particularly prone to hooking up on the first date, with just under 60 percent of male respondents admitting to having done it. On the other hand, women are slightly less inclined to jump into bed right away, with only 43 percent having had sex on date no. 1.
Granted, a first date is the first official meeting between you and a potential new partner, which means impressions are of the utmost importance. But is having sex on your first date really so bad? Some say sex is a bargaining tool, something precious, so if you give it away too quickly, your date will not only think of you as ‘easy’, but might have no reason to come back.
We asked Nupur Dhakephalkar, founder and chief clinical psychologist, Center for Mental Health if this were true. She told HT Lifestyle, “It is often observed that the timing of sexual intimacy can significantly impact relationship dynamics. Engaging in sex too early may create misaligned expectations and lead one partner to question the depth of the emotional connection.”
Nupur says being honest matters. “It’s essential to recognize that sexual intimacy can signal commitment, and if perceived as easily accessible, it might diminish interest in pursuing a long-term relationship. Open communication about intentions and desires is crucial for building a strong emotional bond,” she says.
There is also some truth in the fact that if you want a relationship beyond simply sex, there are benefits to slowly getting to know someone, through conversation, and sharing secrets. So, if you want a relationship beyond simple sex, is it better to take things slow? Building a meaningful relationship requires more than physical attraction, according to Nupur.
She says, “Taking the time to get to know someone through conversation fosters emotional intimacy, trust, and shared values, which are the foundation of a lasting connection. When we slow down and engage in thoughtful dialogue, we create a deeper understanding of each other, paving the way for a more fulfilling and authentic relationship.”
Now that you have had sex on your first date, what can you do? When asked if there’s no going back and starting afresh if you still want a relationship with that person, Nupur said that having sex on a first date doesn’t necessarily define the future of a relationship.
“While it can bring up concerns, what truly matters is how both individuals communicate and connect afterward. If the partners share a desire for a deeper relationship, it’s important to have open, honest conversations about intentions, values, and feelings moving forward. Relationships can thrive if there’s mutual respect and a genuine effort to build emotional intimacy, regardless of how things started,” she says.
This brings us to the question – by following your desires, have you truly failed? The simple answer, according to Nupur, is no. Now the not-so-simple explanation – according to her, following your desires does not mean you’ve failed as ‘it’s important to separate feelings of shame from natural human experiences like lust’.
She says, “Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and it shouldn’t be viewed through a lens of guilt or regret. A healthy way to look at sex on a first date is to understand it in the context of your personal values and emotional readiness. If it’s a choice made with consent, clarity, and respect, then it’s part of your journey, not something to be ashamed of. It’s essential to practice self-compassion and recognize that each experience can teach us more about ourselves and what we truly seek in relationships.”
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.